Saturday, May 3, 2008

Am I this weak?

I on my ym, nobody's online. Maybe they're still in bed. My hubby has gone to work. Man will be back tomorrow from the explorace thingie. I wanna call Atie but her number is still not restore yet. I wanna call Ria but I'm positively sure she's still in bed. Call Zul? Hmm... Call Nana? Impossible after what had happened last time. Call Wan? She's still studying. Call Diana? Hmm... Call Mar? Hmm.. Who do I call? I'm out of list... So let me poured it all here. Read if you want or just ignore.

Actually, this few weeks I'm tension with my life. Very very tension but I still try to cover it. That day when I call Faril, I told him everything. I thought I would feel better, but I don't.

Sometimes I regret almost everything that happen in my life. I thought by spending time in Facebook can ease a bit of the pain but it doesn't. When I feel hurt, all the stupid memories keep coming back & it makes me sad. Tears fall down easily. Why am I being like this???

Sometimes, I thought of what have I done all this time but I can't turn back time. Being used by others, seems like my fate. Why do I feel like this? Why must I pretend that I'm ok with everything but actually I don't. I'm not fine with it. Not at all! But how do I tell them? They don't want to understand! I've given them so many hints; I don't want to tell them straight to their face. Faril said do nothing! Don't think about it! I can't!

I enjoy doing whatever I do but why must someone try to ruin my happiness & making me sad? I'm being nice to everyone. I know I do. What do I get in return? Nothing! Is it really important to get something? No! But why did it hurt when being ignored? Am I this weak??? I don't know anymore...

Money is the root of all evil. Is it? Really? I don't know. I need money but how do I get it? I tried almost everything but I don't even get anything after spending so much. They said it's a job but where's my income? I can't attend class every night. I'm tired! I want to learn on my own during my own free time. I don't like being forced. I don't like feeling forced! I'll just hate it even more. I can't continue. I don't like being called every single time, talk about the same stupid thing that I already know. It's boring! It's lame! I already know it! I don't like to be spam every single time on my ym. I lost my freedom. Where do I hide? I can't hide...

Life is stupid! Or is it me that's stupid? I hate my life. Yes, you see me smile. You see me laugh. But you never see me cry. I'm pretending as hard as I can just so others see me happy but deep inside I feel tired. I feel so the very tired... But I can't cry, can I?

My life is full of pressure or am I the one pressuring myself? But I can't stop thinking. I can't until everything is ok which will takes time. How long? I don't know... Am I losing myself again? I don't know...


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